It has been a long hiatus and my blog has been dormant for months - almost five months have past!
Having crossed continents and settling into life back ‘home’ has taken a lot of getting used to, what with the extreme weather difference and hitting back into the culture which we have not been so immersed in since our stint in UK. It is inevitable that we are looking at every aspect of our lives with a new found consciousness. This is the uncomplicated part of our new lives.
Our current struggle lies in helping the Angel acclimatize to the sultry weather.
The two week tolerance level reached its peak upon our return and by the second week, her eczema took a turn for the worst and we have been going downhill and fluctuating since then. Currently, her body simply cannot adjust to the hot, hot weather here and she is a perpetual ‘furnace’.
In a nutshell, we went back to that elusive sleep, vicious cycle of scratching, broken skin, lots of crying, sadness, frustration. If life is anything to go by, it must be having a child who is enjoying her life and not suffering through it.
Again, I learn, all over, to cope with her eczema in an entirely new environment. I admit, I made the mistake of not following my maternal instinct, that maternal prompting.
When we were back, the Angel was on her eczema free days. She was a beautiful child and she was enjoying her time in Singapore. We spent two wonderful nights at the beautiful Amara Scantuary Resort at Sentosa before settling into a temporary home and then full time work for both of us.
By the time we started to settle into the routines of life here, and it was time for me to go to work, the Angel was still as beautiful. For the first time in our lives, we both had to leave her to my parents while we left for work. If we had a moment, I think we would have cried in each other’s arms. Our brief moments in the lift left us both so touched by her bravery and her adaptability. She gave us many hugs before we left but not a single whine or cry. She said her goodbyes so easily, we were the ones who felt we could not leave her behind. It wasn’t separation anxiety on our part, as someone out it, but rather, it was a kind of sadness in leaving her to someone else, albeit grandparents. I guess we were so used to having her with either of us.
Anyway, those were the good days.
All I can say now is, I did not stick to my maternal prompting and put my foot down on what I can say is a stop to allowing the eczema to flare up or perhaps, like the doctor said, there is a level of tolerance and by the end of the second week, I have a very broken child, whose physical body is overtaken by the severity of such acute eczema that emotionally, she is all broken and totally dependent on me.
I had to seek medical help, work from home, deal with a child who cannot cope with the environment. I retreated, once again, into my own world; I dreaded meeting people - it is true what I have said before, wherever I go, I get stares or advices from everyone who has something to say about her condition. Nothing makes it easier for me to explain to them that my child is currently suffering from severe eczema and yes, I am under the best medical care. I have recommendations from strangers to see doctors all over, even to KL or someone with something so hurtful to say (ouch!) about my child that frankly, I was no longer interested to go out.
For a long time, I fell into depression. I didn’t want to see anyone because no one understands what it means to have a child with eczema. I didn’t want to talk to anyone who thinks that I’m not doing anything right or who comes with advices that I have to follow. I didn’t want to socialise because no one understands my constraints and difficulties. I closed all doors and only those who are close enough and who understands all that emotional stress that I am going through are allowed in because I do not have any energy left to explain. I was simply overwhelmed with tiredness and my physical body is not at its tip to handle any of this in one go.
All I can say now is, things are looking up. I spend all my waking and sleeping moments on the Angel. My relentless efforts are aimed at building up her skin barrier dysfunctions and only when the physical body of an eczema child is built up, then can the emotional needs be met easier. I see for myself how the Angel fell, from the most beautiful child and such an amazingly adaptable one to a totally broken child because her physical body is giving her all the trouble.
I learn to stay away from people who make my job so much harder; I desperately need to heal myself and seek encouragement to go on because this can be such a daunting, disheartening and endless task at times that all I can say is, I haven’t found a replacement yet. I learn to put my foot down, I learn to say ‘no’, I learn that whatever I do, I meet the Angel’s needs and I know then, that life will be beautiful again. I know it is hard for anyone to comprehend what I am doing but in the long run, I will have a beautiful child and then, I can repair whatever is broken. At times, it is no point talking till the cows go home, because it takes the main caregiver to know what it means to handle a child with eczema.
At the same time, I quit socialising. I’m sorry to all those friends and family whom I cannot meet and I’m eternally thankful to those who understand more than judge what I’m going through or who understand my needs to be home most of the time and to stick to the Angel’s routines. Something’s gotta give.
With medical care, I believe that I have finally found THE doctor (Dr T.Thirumoorthy) who understands more about handling eczema and being a mother to a child with eczema than anyone I have ever met. I used to meet him once in two weeks; I call those sessions MY therapy sessions because I ALWAYS walk out of the clinic knowing that I can continue to do what I’m doing for the Angel despite the desire to throw in the towel at times. He encourages me that with my knowledge on eczema, all I need now is to perserve on and imagine that I’m running a marathon. I know now why my parents call him the miracle doctor. No, he did not miraculously heal the Angel and I didn’t expect anyone to, and I went along to the doctor because my parents believe that he would. Little did they know that he did more good than anyone has done on earth for me to handle the Angel. So, YES, he is the MIRACLE doctor. If I think that I cannot go on anymore, he will be the person I will turn to because I know that I will walk out of his clinic knowing “that’s why God makes mothers”.
Visitng consultant, Professor Hugo, at NSC, helps us with the Angel’s allergies. Again, he is another doctor who plays a part in assuring me that there are good doctors out there who take a real and keen interest in each individual child and who is NOT one who just wants to whisk you out of his clinic to see the next patient. With him, we want to test out the allergies (known or unknown) that the Angel is saddled with and hopefully, knowing the leakages can help us to handle the acute eczema.
Lastly, the Angel is also under the care of an experienced Chinese sinseh who understands what eczema is all about. I believe that TCM works from inside out and heals the body than treats just the prevailing condition. The challenge was in looking for one who is experienced in eczema and most importantly, without prescribing dubious cream. Having found Dr Wong from Chee Seng Tong is another prayer answered, thanks to a friend’s recommendation. He himself told me my child has eczema (severe) and I’m in for the long haul. Had he told me that he had some miracle cream, I knew I would have walked out of the clinic. With him, we discuss diet control. Being aware of how some strong chinese medication can harm a person’s liver, I’m glad each prescription comes with a proper ingredient list with dosage which I keep a record of.
I spent the whole of my last month not leaving the Angel at all and she was almost completely healed. We reached almost some form of eczema free days but few days ago, I, again, made the mistake of leaving her, just for a mere three hours to tend to some school work, and I came home to an all scratched-up child. My heart is broken and there is a lot of repair to be done again but I assure you, life is looking better and I know I can go on.
We have found the dream home that gives us the peace, the coolness, the quality of life that we need to move on and we are grateful. After three months into work (although I was working from home most of the time, with heartfelt gratitude to my superiors), I am now a SAHM. God has shown me many humbling moments and I can’t be more grateful. On Christmas day, my home was filled with warmth by three sets of people who came and cheered up my life. It makes me think that I’m ready to meet people again. We spent the New Year at the ‘highlands’ in Malaysia, just to find a respite from the heat for the Angel so that she could go out into the great outdoors when there is daylight. Those two days did wonders for her soul and she finally gave herself and me long hours of sleep.
I am now looking for a support group in Singapore with regards to handling children with eczema. We gather from doctors the statistics of children with eczema in Singapore is astonishing. Having the knowledge to deal with eczema is so important and I hope I can not only share mine, but learn from other parents as well. Parents who deal with children with eczema need a lot of support and help and I’m sure building a community of practice of sort will help parents go a long way.
I am going to be back at blogging and catching up on blog reading. My friends, you will hear from me soon. I have given all my time to my work and my child and now, I think it is time to come out, a little of my world, to socialise, to talk, to hold discourses again. I’m still a keen parent on observing my child, and homeschooling, despite the mounting challenges I face.
It is the new year and it signals a new beginning to a good start and I embrace that. A peaceful and happy new year to everyone!
Categories: Where We Live
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